A Broken Door A Broken Heart
by aalikane
Summary: Post 4x14 reaction fic, speculation for 4x15 and beyond. How Kurt has spent his mourning period from the moment they broke up to Valentine's day and after.


Saturday evenings in the Hummel household were always fun for Kurt. Mainly because he'd have his boyfriend over every time, and they'd be up in Kurt's room watching movies, with the door open of course, per Hummel House rules, but it was always just the two of them. Snuggled together on Kurt's bed, sharing a bowl of popcorn as they sang along to whatever musical they were watching, or got teary eyed over whatever tearjerker that they'd picked out. They'd choose two movies a night. Blaine picked one, Kurt picked the other. If one of them wanted to watch Titanic… they both needed to agree.

Sometimes they'd watch Classic Disney… Little Mermaid and Kurt would yearn for a life where he was found by a prince and taken to a castle and saved from the evil Ursula…. Blaine would privately think that he'd actually done that when they met… when Kurt went to Dalton…and got away from Karofsky. He'd never tell Kurt this, but it gave him a private sense of fulfillment knowing that one of Kurt's dreams did come true, even if he didn't really know it.

Other times they'd watch movies like the Sound of Music or Mary Poppins and they'd both wish that growing up they had a woman in their lives like Julie Andrews. Someone who could sing, who could make their lives full of joy and wonder, even in the prospects of a dire immediate future.

They loved their little tradition, and everyone knew not to bother them on Saturday nights. Burt had bothered them once about something the next day, and his son bitched him out for 20 minutes about interrupting the few times they had alone all week to spend together, and could people please give them a little space. Of course that was when Blaine was still at Dalton, and Kurt had transferred back to McKinley, but Burt understood and stopped pestering them after that.

The last movie night they had, they weren't even in the same state, let alone the same room or bed. But it worked for them as best they could. They watched Monsters' Inc. and spent the entire time laughing about how much antics Boo was making Sully and Mike go through just to keep her a secret. They laughed until the very end, when Sully brings her back to her own room…and then her door was destroyed. It was always a heart-wrenching moment for the two of them, no matter how many times they watched this movie.

"I can't believe they had to destroy the door." Blaine whined, as he did every time they finished watching the movie, as he moved to sit on top of the bed and moving his laptop so he could lay down and face it and stare at Kurt's beautiful face.

"They couldn't risk her getting back into their world, Blaine. You know that." Kurt said exasperated from the other side of the country.

"I know, but couldn't they have let Sully keep the door and just go through it every once in a while to say 'hi'? How would that have harmed anyone?" Blaine pouted.

"Because if she got through once more as she got older, she could pose a threat to their world. Besides, it's not as if Sully doesn't get to see her again anyway. Mike rebuilds the door, and Sully goes through it and sees her."

"And that's another thing… the last piece of the door has to be present for it to work? Talk about a suitable theme for a heart breaking. No matter how much Sully moves on, he'll never be fully right, not without Boo in his life." Blaine sighs. "Promise me if you ever have to break my heart, you'll save that last piece… so that at some point, we'll be able to see each other again?" He asked Kurt who smiled into his webcam.

"Only if you promise the same."

They talk about this for another 30 minutes, before Blaine starts falling asleep. It's obvious to them both that neither of them are very happy with the way the movie ended, but to Blaine it always seemed a bit more unfair to the two of them especially now that they were so far away from each other. They were like Boo and Sully. They had to spend their lives apart for now, because they couldn't be in each other's worlds. They could see each other occasionally when one would go through the door, but unless that happened, they were on their own. Something neither of them had ever prepared for.

* * *

Finding out the love of your life cheated on you is something no one is ever prepared for. Even if you were to have a hunch about it, and prepared yourself, steadied yourself, and guarded your heart, it will always break you to a point. You will never be the same. Your heart gets shattered into a million tiny pieces, and you'll never be able to fully put them back together.

Kurt's been feeling that way for months. He's been trying to glue his heart back together piece by piece, but nothing has worked. The night that Blaine told him he cheated, was the night that Kurt got a delivery of his heart in shatters to his front door. Ever since he's had to try and put the pieces back together, but he can't do it. It's too much. There are so many pieces, and so many ways that they can go together…

By Thanksgiving, Kurt had put about 10% of his heart back together. It was messy, and it took some help from Rachel and Isabelle, but he'd managed it. Both of them kept trying to explain to him what he needed to do in order to heal his heart. He tried both sets of advice, and it only worked 10% of the way. Sure they'd both been heartbroken before, but it was different with Kurt and Blaine. Because well… no one on the face of the planet had what Kurt and Blaine had, because every person was different. Every relationship was different and what worked for one person and one couple, may not work for the next.

When he'd called Blaine, it was one of the hardest things he'd ever done in his entire life. He'd gone out onto that fire escape to get some peace and quiet (funny, considering he's in the city that never sleeps) and when he does, he tells Blaine the one thing that they both need to hear. Because it's true. He still loves him. It may not be the same type of love, but Kurt still loves Blaine, and to be able to say it out loud and to the person of his affections, does wonders for Kurt's heart. It fits that large puzzle piece of his heart that says 'friendship' back into place. Bringing his heart's completion up to 20%. He was okay with that. It was a work in progress, but it worked.

* * *

By December 23rd, Kurt had managed to bring his heart's completion rating up to 45%. It wasn't quite half, but it was close enough for Kurt to feel that he'd be 100% okay in a few months. That he'd be able to go on with his life, without constantly thinking about Blaine, without constantly thinking about the man Blaine had been with, and without constantly thinking about whether or not his heart could handle still being broken.

But then his father had surprised him at his loft apartment with a tree, and trimmings and it was like he was at home. But he wasn't. If he was at home for Christmas, then Blaine would be there with them. Like he was last Christmas. They all hung out in the living room a few nights before Christmas and trimmed the tree, while Carole and Kurt kept escaping to the kitchen to switch cookie sheets in the oven, and Blaine and Finn would sneak in and try to steal a cookie or two. It was one of the best Christmas' of Kurt's life. Because not only did he have a family to spend it with, he had his boyfriend there with him as well.

But this Christmas, it was just him and his dad. Rachel was going on a holiday cruise with her father's and once again it was just him and his father… like it had been all those years ago. Except while he was growing up, his father never surprised him by telling him that he had prostate cancer. That had never been an issue with the two of them before, but now it was. And like before when Kurt's mom had died, it was just the two of them.

Or so Kurt thought. Because his father had done something terrible and awesome at the same time. He'd brought Blaine with him to New York. Kurt was scared. His heart wasn't even half healed, but there Blaine was, cute as ever; prepared for their annual Christmas tradition… of a duet. Skating around the rink with Blaine made him forget the pain of their breakup; made him forget the pain of his father's horrible news. He was able to enjoy the moment, and remember what it was like to be in love with Blaine, without the tinged sorrow of the affair hanging over his head. He was glad that he'd had that opportunity, and that they'd be able to talk more than they were. Because now, his heart was up to 65%. Which made it easier to live… especially because of the adventure he was about to begin.

* * *

By the time he had his first day at NYADA, his heart was closer than ever to being healed. He was at 80%. He was 4/5 of the way there. He could get there soon, and not have to deal with the heart break that was Blaine. He could go to NYADA and meet guys there that would sweep him off his feet, and that he'd be able to love...and who would love him in return.

He wanted that so badly. Going from getting so much love from Blaine, and then nothing was a huge shock to Kurt's system. He needed to get that loving attention from someone. He craved it, and he was finally at the point in his heartbreak recovery that he could find someone without feeling like he was betraying Blaine… like Blaine had betrayed him.

And that's when he found Adam. Adam Crawford, who was gorgeous, and hot and a _senior._ Kurt could have fallen right then and there if he had been 100% okay. But he wasn't. So he wasn't sure about how to go about any of it. Rachel didn't seem to have any problems moving on after leaving Finn…but then again she was the one who cheated, it wasn't her that had her heart broken by someone because he couldn't keep it in his pants.

So when Rachel had convinced him to ask Adam out, without knowing who it was that he was crushing on, Kurt had done so. He'd asked him out for coffee, and while he felt confident that Adam wouldn't turn him down immediately, he was still nervous that he was making a huge mistake.

But it wasn't a mistake. Adam really liked him. Adam encouraged him, and praised him. Complimented him and applauded him. Adam lifted Kurt up like he hadn't been lifted up in a long time, and it felt so nice to be wanted that way. But there was still a part of Kurt that couldn't commit to him. His fears of abandonment and betrayal were surfacing. If Adam and him weren't exclusive, then there was no way that Adam could cheat on him, and if Adam couldn't cheat on him, then Kurt wouldn't have to go through the pain and turmoil that he'd gone through with Blaine, that he was still recovering from. Because even after all the times Adam had helped raise his spirits, he was still only about 95% healed. He wasn't sure if he'd be able to get the rest of the 5% back, but he needed to try.

* * *

Then Valentine's Day happened. Kurt didn't know what had come over him. He was finally okay. He was finally at the point where he didn't feel pain every time someone mentioned Lima Ohio. He didn't feel like he was going to die whenever Rachel brought up Blaine. He was okay. He wasn't perfect… he was still only about 99%, but he was almost there. But hooking up with Blaine was only going to hurt him more. He knew that, but it felt so right at the time.

But after it was all said and done, nothing was the same. Nothing felt right. Kurt felt numb, and not because he felt sleeping with Blaine was a bad thing, but because he'd wanted it so much. He'd needed it so much. He thought he was over Blaine. He though he'd moved on. He was with Adam now. He had a gorgeous, British boyfriend in New York that was waiting for him. Sure they weren't exclusive, but they both still were interested in each other, and they spent all their spare time together… but Adam had never made Kurt feel the way Blaine had during a quick hookup in a hotel room the night of the Pillsbury/Schuester almost wedding.

It confused him. It plagued him. Everyone could tell something was wrong. But only Kurt and Blaine knew what was going on. Adam tried to get him to talk about it, but Kurt would wave it off as if it was nothing. Trying to push Blaine from his mind. Rachel would suggest that they sing about it, but Kurt wasn't in the mood to sing about something so mindboggling.

"Please, just leave it alone." He begged them both one Sunday night as they sat down to watch a movie. It was a double date, Rachel and Brody, and Kurt and Adam. "I'm fine… I just want to watch Moulin Rouge and enjoy the last night of my weekend before I have to go back to classes on Monday, okay?" He pleaded with them, and after another few minutes of his begging, the relented.

But his mind refused to give up the internal war that was raging between Adam and Blaine. On one hand, he had a person who had never given him a reason to betray him. A person who had never given him a reason to think anything was going to go wrong. On the other hand… there was Blaine. The person who Kurt gave his heart to, two years ago and has yet to fully get it back.

It wasn't until about halfway through the movie, that Kurt had fallen asleep. He hadn't meant to, especially not during one of his favorite films, but he couldn't help it. He was tired, and after the intense war going on within his mind, it was sort of an involuntary action.

But the dream said more about what he really needed, than anything his brain could have come up with on its own. There he was, standing on the rooftop of his loft… here were lights hung everywhere, and it was so incredibly gorgeous. Gold satin curtains hanging from an arch on the middle of the roof, and there he was…a faceless man standing there, waiting to dance with Kurt into the night. As they danced around, singing along to the song playing in the background, Kurt couldn't help but realize this was the first time in months that he was truly unequivocally happy and without hesitation. As the song progressed, the face on the man began to come in clearer. Cheekbones defined, noses elongated, and eyebrows thickened. Kurt knew exactly who it was, and the moment they kissed at the end of the song, the face came in perfectly clear: it was Blaine.

Kurt woke up at this moment, and it scared Rachel and Adam who were sitting on either side of him. He felt off, he felt odd. Why was he sitting here snuggling with Adam, if his subconscious wants him with Blaine? Was it right to string Adam along, if he would never be able to return the same feelings? If his heart truly belonged to another? He had to get out of there. He got up in the middle of the movie and walked over to the door. "I need to get some air." He said as he grabbed his jacket off the coat rack and opened the door. Adam, seeing an opportunity jumped up.

"I'll go with you."

"No really…stay here. Finish the movie." Kurt silently begged him not to follow him, but Adam wouldn't take the hint.

"It's not safe to wander the streets of New York at night alone, Kurt." He said, taking Kurt's hand in his as they left the loft. Kurt felt sick to his stomach. Everything about this was hard to take. Being in such close proximity to Adam, knowing that there's nothing that can be done without hurting him in the process. It scares Kurt, to know that he has that type of power in his hands, and he knows he needs to wield it carefully.

"What's going on, Kurt?" He asked as they got outside, and Kurt leaned up against the building, not caring for a minute that I could damage his jacket.

"Have you ever had your heart broken?" Kurt asked tentatively, and he could almost see the fear rising in Adam's eyes.

"Can't say that I have, no." He said softly. They'd talked about this before, Adam had boyfriends before, but none that he'd loved to the point where he fell apart when they broke up. Kurt on the other hand, had.

"It's horrible and heart-wrenching, and sometimes… you don't know if you can handle it." Kurt told him and Adam nods. He understands the concept.

"I get that. Are you still hurt about what Blaine did?" He asked in the signature British accent that Kurt wished he could fall for.

"Yes… and no." He sighed. "I still feel a bit betrayed by what he did but… I've forgiven him for it. I did that before we even met." Kurt gulped and took a deep breath. "But I don't think I've yet to get over him." He said hesitantly.

"What do you mean?"

"When I went home for Valentine's Day…for my old teacher's wedding…" Kurt gulped. "We… we hooked up." He finally confessed, and Adam stepped back for a moment, thinking it over and then shrugged.

"We're not exclusive Kurt…" He said kindly, and it just makes Kurt more annoyed.

"I know that… I'm not confessing because I think I cheated… I'm confessing because I don't think I'm being fair to you. Being with Blaine again… it brought up more than I can even say." Kurt sighed and Adam bit his lip.

"What are you saying, Kurt?"

"I'm saying, that I don't think I can see you anymore." He stammered out after a few moments of silence. It was hard to come to terms with the fact that he was still in love with Blaine and wouldn't be in love with Adam.

"But Kurt…"

"I'm sorry. But the way you act around me… you clearly like me… more than I like you and I don't want to hurt you if I know that I could never return those feelings." Kurt said looking down at the ground. He felt awful. Not only was he conflicted over his feelings for Blaine, but he was hurting Adam, a man who had only ever been nice to him, who had only ever complimented and encouraged him.

"I see." He took a deep breath as he turned away from where Kurt stood.

"I'm sorry, Adam." Kurt said softly. "But I've been in love with someone, who could never love me back." Granted said person does love him now, only in a much different way than Kurt had initially intended with his unrequited crush on Finn. "I don't want you falling in love with me someday….if I know I can't fall in love with you."

"I get it, Kurt. You're not over _him_, and until you are…you won't be ready to date me… or anyone else." Kurt shook his head.

"No, that's not it. I don't want to be over him. I want to be back with him."

* * *

Adam hadn't talked to him since that night. Kurt didn't blame him. But a part of him felt sad, not going to Adam's Apple's practices anymore, nor having many friends at NYADA besides Rachel. He missed having a friend who wasn't his roommate. He missed having a boyfriend…. He also hadn't yet told Blaine about what he'd done in regards to Adam. It wasn't right. They were still long distance, and they couldn't just get back together, only to have things fall apart later on.

It wasn't until Blaine had called him up and told him that he'd gotten into NYADA on an early admissions application and audition process, that Kurt realized that they could do this. They could be a couple, and live their lives in New York City and be together and live happily ever after.

So when NYADA's Spring Break came around, Kurt hopped on a plane and spent the entire flight nervous about what he was going to do. His father didn't know he was coming, he brother and step-mother didn't know he was coming. No one did. Rachel knew he was leaving New York, but she didn't know for certain that he was going back home to Lima. He needed no one to know, so that if he changed his mind, he wouldn't have to face anyone. But he wasn't going to change his mind. Not when his heart had been stuck at 99% whole since Valentine's Day. He had tried to figure out why he couldn't get over Blaine completely. He tried to understand what made Blaine the person his heart wanted, when his head told him it was a bad idea. He tried to make sense of it, he really did, but nothing ever worked out.

It wasn't until the on flight movie appeared, and it was Monster's Inc. The last movie the two of them had watched together before they broke up. Kurt felt nostalgic, and laughed and cried throughout the movie. The people around him thought he was weird for getting so emotional over a Disney/Pixar movie, but none of them knew the significance behind it.

When Mike rebuilt the door, and Sully took the last piece of the door and place it in its spot, Kurt realized why he hadn't been able to get over Blaine. Why he was still drawn to him, and why he needed him in his life. He was so happy to finally figure it out, and when he arrived at Blaine's front door, he held up a picture of the movie poster on his phone and said, "I'll take that last piece of my heart now." He said with tears in his eyes, Blaine looked hopeful as he ushered Kurt into the house.

They talked well into the night. Talked about their lives, and what went wrong with them before, and if they could make things work this time without breaking up or cheating. They both knew it would be a hard road, but together they could overcome.


End file.
